Navigating the many levels of caring for a loved one.
When I went to Florida in May to visit my mom, I had no idea that I'd be moving her back home to NJ and in with me to assist in managing her new illness. Yet, that's what happened. It's been just about six months of scheduling and driving to doctor visits, decoding the language of modern medicine, maneuvering through the maze that is our healthcare system, and meeting the daily needs of Mom, myself, our home, and family.
Some days are light, and we even have fun and laugh. Other days are difficult — full of landmines and boobytraps where it feels like I am inside a video game trying to avert imminent disaster or complete annihilation. And then there are the days of meltdown. These days, I'm flattened, completely inept, and unable to function. The exciting part is realizing which day you will have upon waking. It's the never-ending rollercoaster ride of caregiving.
It wouldn't be fair of me to write a blog of "tips" for caregivers. Like, who am I trying to fool? Caregivers do the best that they can when they can. And I am certainly trying my best, but I am no master at it. I'd rather share some insights. And, if some of mine inspire or help another caregiver, then I've done something good. But keep in mind that this is just a little of my journey so far.
The Bright Side
I have a firm belief system that everything happens for a reason. Yes, terrible things happen. But being the spiritual sleuth that I am, I find the hidden meanings and bright sides in the "why' of things. Maybe it's a simple jump to see that I get to spend a lot of time with my Mom. We never know how long we have or when our time is up. Mom is 78 now, and even though she's in good health except for this illness, she's certainly closer to the end than the beginning. So, I get to spend a lot of time with my Mom, and since my circle of friends has diminished quite a bit over the years, I have to admit that Mom has become my closest friend and confidant. Now, I'm sure that there are times when she wishes I'd put a lid on it, but here we are, day after day, in the thick of it together. So, we get to share.
I'm not sure how I will feel or what will happen when she's gone — or if she heals and gets to live on her own again. But that's not for me to ponder at the moment. My job is to be present. And in the present, I am grateful for the time we have together. Now, maybe I don't always show it or act like it, but in my defense, remember that I am a human Mrs. PacMan sometimes.
Healing All The Things
As someone who has spent a career in the Holistic Healing field, I understand how true healing occurs. I've heard countless students over the years tell me that they've been in therapy for 20-30 years, working on the same issues. I always ponder where the healing is in that. If everything is energy, then what is the seed that originated a problem? Many people will say that there is a root trauma in the past that caused the issue to manifest, eventually into mental and then physical issues. I do believe that this is true. But I also know that there is more at play.
In the Quantum Field, we have come to know many things. First of all, time is irrelevant. We can't just look into the past. We have to consider past lives, too. With the nature of patterns, we have to recognize the impact of our ancestors, bloodline, and family legacy and how we carry those patterns in our lives. Oh, and there's so much more. For me, I'm stepping into a huge piece of ancestral healing in a big way. Mom and I are on this healing journey together. Yes, to heal her low blood-oxygen issue. But also to heal the energy behind it and what it represents for me and her. This is huge. We are healing all the things.
"Your ancestral healing spans generations into the past and into the future. You can choose to be the turning point for your lineage." – Torie Feldman, Sacred Ancestry.
The A-Team
Of course, nobody can do it all alone. Yes, most of the time, it is me and Mom. But, my husband is a help — even if it's watching football with Mom on Monday night so I can do something else or cooking a meal for us. The healers that I know who I take Mom to for sessions have been tremendous. The bonus is that I also get to receive healing when I take her to the EE System, Acupuncture, or wherever else we are going. Receiving is so important for all caregivers, especially those sensitive to energy, like me. Knowing the right people and utilizing their skills make it so much better. I don't know where we would be without our "A" Team.
It's Not All About Me...or is it?
As a business owner, I was used to doing what I wanted, scheduling what I needed, and going and going and going. I did this for over twenty years with the greatest of ease, and when I closed my studio, I continued to plan things out into the next calendar year, packing my schedule and leaving time to travel and enjoy life. Well, it's no longer all about what I want to do. Now, I am managing another person's needs and schedules. I can't just get up and go when I want to or take off when needed. Sometimes, I can't even work at all. I still have many programs and classes I want to offer or retreats I want to put together, but the timing isn't right for most of them.
I find this to be the most frustrating thing so far. In a way, I've lost my freedom — something I value quite a lot. Continuing to keep my offerings going in short and manageable spurts while working out what Mom needs is a tightrope walk. I can't lose myself in caregiving, but I must remember that it's not all about me.
There's also this part of me that understands that the Universe wouldn't have set all of this in motion without a greater plan. What I am supposed to be doing right now is being present with Mom and working through the healing journey that we are on. My "perceived" loss of freedom is an illusion, at best. So actually, when I consider it this way, it's kind of about me, isn't it? (See how I did that?)
Aligning with Divine Timing
If the Universe has a plan, then it has a timeline too. I tend to push my own agenda, which has gotten me into trouble in the past. If I wait and allow things to unfold with the Divine Timing of the Universe, things work out better. And yet, there is my nagging impatience to get things moving quickly.
On the days when I am caught in an endless loop of not getting anywhere with telephone calls to doctors or insurance or dealing with Mom not feeling up to doing something I had planned, I need to step away, take many deep breaths, and accept that I am not in control of what is going on. One of the best things that anyone can do is to align our inner calendar with the Divine's. But I am not gonna lie; this is a difficult one — especially when there is a medical urgency to whatever it is. And that is when my trust and faith that the Universe is working for our highest and greatest good needs to come forth.
Caregiver's Support Circle
Many of my friends and I are at the age when we are beginning to care for our aging parents and other loved ones. I see often on social media the daily frustrations that we are going through. I believe we need support and someone to listen and sometimes even offer advice. Perhaps there is someone that has already dealt with a delicate issue that you find yourself in and has a pathway to assist I would love to know of any tips or assistance channels that someone else has already learned of. So, I decided to host a Caregiver's Support Circle monthly on Zoom.
To join, RSVP to the link here, and you will receive a Zoom link before the event. January's circle is scheduled for Monday the 13th at 2 pm EST.
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